


How I'm Lost, How I'm Found

by mallardeer



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:31:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallardeer/pseuds/mallardeer
Summary: After it’s over, all she feels is pain. It hurts too much to be around any of them: Kal who has Lois; Alex who has Maggie; J’onn and M’gann, Winn and Lyra. She thought she had found someone she had truly fit with. And then she had to give it up.Is there nothing she won’t be asked to sacrifice?Post 2.22, Kara finds solace with someone who’s just as lonely as she is.





	1. Chapter 1

After it’s over, all she feels is pain. It hurts too much to be around any of them: Kal who has Lois; Alex who has Maggie; J’onn and M’gann, Winn and Lyra. She thought she had found someone she had truly fit with. And then she had to give it up.

Is there nothing she won’t be asked to sacrifice?

She can’t take Alex’s pity or even her simple, steadfast love, so she leaves. She flies out beyond the city and just keeps going. She flies past other cities, other towns large and small, trying to make herself see that the sacrifice was worth it. All this, all these lives, all the natural and man-made beauty of this planet—she was able to save it all.

The only thing she’d had to give up was her happiness.

She circles the entire planet, and the hole inside her still isn’t even partway filled, even though she knows there was never any other choice, no matter what Kal—Clark, the earthling—says about being strong. She’s not going to let another of her homes come to ruin. Whatever it takes, that’s what she’ll always do.

But how many “whatever it takes” can she live through before she breaks completely?

It’s the dark hour just before the dawn when she returns to National City. The city has been damaged, but not destroyed, but it hardly looks like home anymore. As she flies past the skyscrapers downtown, her eyes stray to the LCorp tower, and she realizes. Someone she loves is probably as lonely as she is.

Lillian had insisted Lena would hate her when she found out, but Kara is too exhausted to worry about whether that’s true. No matter how Lena feels about her right now, she’s been through hell too, and Kara wants to reiterate her promise to always stand by her side.

She’s never been to Lena’s actual apartment before, but it’s not hard to pick out her heartbeat. There’s a small balcony off the apartment she identifies as Lena’s—convenient—so she lands there. Her friend, who is still awake, starts up from the table where she’s sitting. The terror in her face shatters Kara’s heart.

“Lena,” she says gently, “it’s just me.”

“Oh. Kara,” Lena breathes, coming to open the sliding door, and Kara’s heart stops. “What are you doing out here so late?”

“Um, I—well, your…” she stammers.

“Kara,” Lena says her name again, and Kara swallows nervously, and then she seems to realize that Supergirl is standing in front of her. “Oh.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I’ve…known your secret for some time now.”

“You… What?” Kara asks, flabbergasted, and Lena shrugs and laughs and looks blearily at Kara.

“The first time I met you, you were with Superman. The second time, you told me you flew to my office.”

“Oh.” Kara is stunned and feeling more foolish than she ever has. “Why didn’t you…?”

“I was happy to play along,” Lena smirks, and Kara shakes her head. “Really, I didn’t… I didn’t want to be the reason my mother found out who you were.”

“Lena…” Kara says, her eyes stinging with tears. Lena has been trying to protect her from Lillian? What did she ever do to deserve that? “Well. Your mother already knows who I am,” she sighs, and Lena frowns. “Jeremiah Danvers, my foster father, has been with Cadmus for twelve years. Plus, she kidnapped me and stole some of my blood.”

“Oh,” Lena says, and throws up her hands. “My fucking mother.”

Kara bites on a laugh. “Indeed. But thank you, Lena. That means a lot to me. And I… feel like I probably should have told you by now. I think I came here to tell you, actually. But…” She shrugs.

Lena smiles, and something small stirs in Kara’s broken heart, and she tries to hang onto it, but it fades.

“Your mother told me you didn’t know, that she never told you because she knows you’d figure it out yourself and then hate me.”

“Hate you?”

“For lying to you.”

“Oh, Kara, you believed her?” Lena asks, and Kara just crumples. She has never felt less deserving of Lena’s faith in her, and she sinks to her knees, head in her hands.

Lena is at her side in an instant, with an arm wrapped tight around her shoulders. “I never thought of it as you lying to me,” she murmurs, and Kara turns and rests her forehead against Lena’s shoulder. “Your identity is valuable, and I was happy to play along, happy to let you just be Kara Danvers.”

“Why?” Kara asks plaintively, and Lena gently tips her head up.

“I wasn’t teasing when I said Kara, not Supergirl, was my hero. You gave me a chance to prove I was different from my family. You believed in me, stood up for me when no one else would.” She smiles shyly. “You have no idea how grateful I am for that.”

And Kara’s tears begin to fall, hot and fast and thick. Lena gathers her into her arms, and they sit there on the floor, clinging to each other until the sun comes up.

\--

When Lillian loudly takes credit for repelling the Daxamite invasion, she is honestly relieved. Yes, it had been her work with Winn that had gotten the device to actually work, and yes, she is glad that the earth is no longer being destroyed, but she can’t shake the feeling of horror that she was able to create something that made the planet instantly inhabitable for an entire species.

And Lex had made the device in the first place to try to get rid of Superman—and Supergirl.

So no, Lena doesn’t want any recognition for the part she’s played in repelling an entire race. She wants to not feel horror at what she’s capable of.

Later that night, she sits at her kitchen table, rubbing her temples and contemplating her nearly empty glass of scotch, when she hears Kara land on the balcony. “You again?” she asks affectionately, as Kara opens the sliding door, and Kara manages to laugh.

“Do you ever sleep, Lena?” she asks, and Lena sighs.

“Not very often,” she admits, and Kara’s eyebrows go up.

“Do you?” she shoots back, and Kara shakes her head.

“Not lately, at least.”

“It’s…incredibly lonely here in National City,” Lena murmurs.

“I’m sorry I never realized how lonely you are,” Kara says, but Lena waves her away.

“You’ve done more than enough to try to alleviate my loneliness.”

“Are you all right?” Kara asks gently, eyes on the half-empty bottle of scotch on the table.

“Not especially,” Lena admits, and Kara nods. “Do you drink?” she asks, holding out the bottle.

“Not to get drunk,” Kara sighs. “I can’t. At least, not on that stuff.”

“What can you get drunk on?” Lena asks, intrigued, but Kara shakes her head. “I asked if you were all right, Lena.”

“And I told you I’m not. You do realize this is all my fault, right?” she asks, and Kara snaps her head up.

“What is?” she demands.

“The Daxamite invasion, having to almost marry your boyfriend, having to ask you to kill your boyfriend, having to use a device that can wipe an entire species from the planet—all of this…garbage.”

Kara carefully takes the glass of scotch from Lena’s hand. “Please don’t blame yourself for any of this,” she says, sitting down beside her. “Everything you’ve ever done has been to try to help. It’s not your fault Rhea tricked you, used you.”

“You’d think, wouldn’t you, that having Lillian Luthor for a mother would have made me less likely to trust people who come out of nowhere to praise my genius?” Lena asks, picking up the bottle now that Kara is holding her glass. “Instead, it has apparently made me one hundred percent more likely to throw myself at the feet of anyone who gives me the time of day.” She takes a swig straight from the bottle, coughs, and splutters, and then sets it down, irritated.

“Lena…” Kara says, her heart falling to pieces. “I know… This has been hard, but truly. It’s not your fault. Rhea fooled me…several times. I could have prevented this too, if I had been strong enough to let Mon-El go the first time. Or if I could ever stop believing that everyone deserves the chance to change.”

“God, don’t ever stop believing that, Kara,” Lena says, alarmed.“I can’t,” Kara assures her. “But really, I gave Rhea too many chances. And now… We’re here.”

“I’m so sorry,” Lena says, and Kara shakes her head.

“This is not your fault, Lena. I will tell you that every day until you believe it,” she says fiercely.

“Shall I do the same for you?” she asks, and Kara laughs without any humor.

Lena puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and offers a smile. “If you must,” Kara gives in, returning the smile.

\--

Kara falls into a pattern of continuing life as normal during the day, even going out for drinks after work with the crew a couple times, even hosting a game night, but then, after the city is asleep, she flies to Lena’s.

Sometimes they sit on the balcony and watch the sky and don’t say anything. Sometimes they sit on Lena’s couch and get drunk, thanks to a bottle of alien ale smuggled from the bar. When she’s drunk, the jagged edges of her broken heart feel blunted, and she can laugh and tell Lena about Winn and Alex’s latest dustup or Cat Grant’s latest tirade.

But morning always comes, and the alcohol always leaves her system, and she never feels any better.

One night, Kara takes Lena out of the city, and they watch the stars. Kara thinks about him, up there all alone, and wonders how she could ever get him back.

Lena lets her head drop to Kara’s shoulder, and Kara instinctively pulls her closer, wrapping her in her cape. “I’m sorry you had to let him go,” Lena says quietly.

“I never thanked you, for rigging that machine for me. You let me…make the choice myself.”

“I knew, whichever you chose, it would be the right choice,” Lena murmurs, and Kara’s heart aches. “And I couldn’t be the one to kill my best friend’s boyfriend.”

And Kara thinks of how Lena had had to make the same choice she’d had to make. Kill someone she loves or save the world. “I’m sorry you had to let Jack go,” Kara murmurs, and Lena sighs and sits up, but stays tangled in Supergirl’s cape.

“I certainly couldn’t let Beth kill you,” she says brusquely, and Kara gently tugs her back into her arms.

“I know. Thank you,” she says, and Lena relaxes against her.

“Kara? Am I—are we…broken?” she asks shakily, and Kara can only sigh.

“Yes,” she says quietly. “But I hope not forever,” she adds, and tightens her arm around Lena.


	2. Chapter 2

The days go by, turn into weeks, into months, and Kara slowly fits back into her life. She never breaks the habit of flying to Lena’s when she can’t sleep, and more often than not, Lena is awake waiting for her. Sometimes they talk about how terrible they feel, but usually they sit together on Lena’s couch, under a blanket, and binge Netflix until they fall asleep leaning against each other. 

After a while, Kara asks Lena to meet her friends at the bar for drinks, and Winn is easily welcoming. Maggie tries, but Alex and James remain stubborn, hardly saying a word the whole time. When Lena leaves after an awkward hour, Kara blows up at them. “What the hell else does she have to do to prove herself to you?” she demands, and goes after her. 

She finds her on the street corner, taking several deep breaths, and Kara wraps her arms around her. “I’m sorry about them,” she says softly, and Lena shakes her head. 

“James…knows better than most what my family’s capable of. Your sister is just protective, I’m sure,” Lena says, trying to smile. “Winn, maybe, wants to be my friend.”

“Winn talks about you sometimes,” Kara says. “He’s in awe of your engineering skills.”

“Is that right?” Lena laughs, wiping her eyes.

“It is,” Kara says earnestly. “Listen, I’ll talk to them. You need a family too, and mine…is pretty great, most of the time.”

“Kara,” Lena protests weakly, as tears start to fall, so Kara just holds her more tightly. 

“Can I take you home?” she asks softly, and Lena nods. 

At Lena’s, they change into sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts, Kara gratefully snuggling into Lena’s MIT hoodie. They settle on Lena’s couch in their usual spots, under their usual blanket, and Kara orders Chinese, and Lena puts on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and they sink into each other. 

Kara’s heart has knit itself back together, piece by piece, and she thinks that probably what’s holding the pieces together is this time she spends with Lena. 

After the food has come—and gone—Kara takes a breath and puts her head in Lena’s lap. “One more?” she suggests, reaching for the remote.

“Sure,” Lena laughs, absently stroking her hair. 

But safe and warm in Lena’s arms, she falls asleep before the opening credits even finish. 

\--  
Kara has fallen asleep on her couch dozens of times now, but never like this. Never curled up in her arms so trustingly. Lena carefully slips Kara’s glasses off, setting them on the side table, and watches her face. Even asleep, her brow is furrowed, and Lena’s heart aches. She’d do anything, anything to erase the pain that she’s caused her best friend. 

With Kara asleep, Kimmy Schmidt has lots it appeal, and she switches to a documentary about a sushi chef. It’s exactly as soothing as she needs, and soon she falls asleep, her fingers still in Kara’s hair. 

They wake up to the miracle of a Saturday morning without plans, and Kara gets up to try to make breakfast but discovers how bare Lena’s kitchen is. “Well, get dressed, then, because I am starving,” she says, throwing her hands up.

“So sorry to have disappointed you, Supergirl,” Lena teases, delighting in the way Kara scowls at her with (mostly) pretend annoyance. “Come on, I have a toothbrush for you,” she says, and Kara laughs and follows her into the bathroom. 

They get ready for the day, Kara cheerful and easy with her, and it almost feels like their lives are normal again—or as normal as they ever were before. 

\--

It happens so gradually, over weeks and months of fitting their lives together—Alex and James warm up to her slowly but surely—when neither of them are even looking for it. But it’s been months of late-night therapy sessions, hours-long Sunday brunches, and the developing comfort of knowing they never have to be alone.

When Lena finally realizes just how she’s come to care for Kara, she can barely believe it has sneaked up on her like this. 

Kara has hosted game night, and Lena is helping her clean up after their friends have left, and they’re joking about what a sore loser Maggie has revealed herself to be. Lena hands Kara the empty pizza boxes, and Kara grins at her, and Lena looks up into her kind, honest eyes, and feels herself fall over a cliff.

“Lee?” Kara asks, noticing something’s wrong, and Lena quickly shakes her head. 

“Sorry, just remembered something I should have done before I left the office,” she covers easily, and Kara nods, setting the pizza boxes on her pile of recycling. 

Lena cannot possibly say anything, cannot risk this friendship they’ve so painstakingly built, this family she’s just starting to belong to. She should go, put some distance between her and Kara so she can figure out how to cope with her feelings. But when Kara returns from taking the trash out and says, “Sleepover?” with a gentle grin, all she can do is nod. 

They change into yoga pants and sweatshirts and collapse onto Kara’s couch. “It’s been a while since we did this, hm?” Kara realizes, and Lena nods. 

They’ve been sleeping on their own more and more often lately—which is good, not so co-dependent. But there’s usually at least one night a week when Lena doesn’t sleep, and Kara appears in her kitchen to remove the glass of scotch from her hand, carry her to bed, and hold her until she falls asleep. She doesn’t really know how Kara always knows—or if Kara comes more often, but leaves if she finds Lena already asleep—and she’s not sure she can bring herself to ask.

“Lee? You’re a million miles away,” Kara says, tossing Lena her favored fleece blanket. 

“Sorry. Long week,” Lena murmurs, and Kara nods sympathetically. 

She puts on Clueless and tugs Lena closer, snuggling herself under Lena’s blanket. Lena holds herself rigidly, afraid to accept Kara’s easy affection now that she knows what her feelings truly are. 

“Lena?” she asks, after a minute. “Your heart’s racing.”

“Thank you for the diagnosis, Supergirl,” she laughs, but Kara lifts her head up. 

“What’s going on?” She searches Lena’s eyes, frowning slightly, and Lena can already feel everything she’s come to rely on for comfort, for stability, for feeling like a human being, slipping through her grasp.

“Lena?” Kara asks, and the worry in her voice is too much. 

There’s no hiding this from Supergirl, but there’s also no walking out on Kara. So she does the only thing she can think of. She closes her eyes and gently, tentatively, chastely kisses her best friend. 

Kara kisses her back almost instantly, and the anxiety squeezing her heart all but vanishes. She wonders if she should pull away, if they should talk about this, but Kara is still kissing her, so she lets herself sink into Kara’s arms. 

“Lena,” Kara murmurs, trailing kisses along her jaw. “How long have you…”

“About half an hour,” Lena laughs, and tangles her fingers in Kara’s hair. 

“Alex has been teasing me about you for weeks,” she confesses. “But I didn’t want to…rush you.”

“What?” Lena asks, stunned. She pulls away from Kara, who reaches up to tenderly smooth her hair. “I just…”

“Should I have told you?” Kara asks, concerned, but Lena shakes her head. 

“No, no, it’s fine. I just…I had no idea until I looked at you while we were cleaning up. And your smile was so comforting and so…precious to me, and I realized I’d been falling in love with you.”

“Me too,” Kara murmurs. “Lena, when my heart was broken, you put it back together. I couldn’t stand to be around Alex or Winn or James. I could be…” She shrugs, searching for the right words. “Completely vulnerable with you. And I didn’t realize how much I needed that, needed you. And then Alex elbowed me at the bar that Friday when you showed up in that leather top, and I…kept not looking at your face,” she says, blushing, and Lena bursts out laughing. 

“So you’re a boob girl, Ms. Danvers?” she teases, reveling in the way Kara’s blush even reaches the tips of her ears. 

“I like…you,” she says quietly. “Every part of you.”

Now it’s Lena’s turn to blush, and for a while neither of them can look at each other. Then Kara continues. “So I spent, like, a day denying to Alex that I had a thing for you, insisting that we were just friends who got closer helping each other through a difficult time, and she didn’t even pretend to humor me.”

“No, she wouldn’t, would she?” Lena smirks, reaching for Kara’s hand. 

Kara laces their fingers together. “She also insisted you were flirting with me, and that I should stop being such a baby and do something about it,” she says, and Lena just shakes her head. 

“I’ve been flirting with you since you walked into my office with Clark Kent,” she admits, “but I was just…” She shrugs. “Once we actually became friends, that was way more important to me than…”

“Lena… You did know,” Kara says gently, and Lena sighs. 

“Yes, probably. But then Jack came back, and then Rhea nearly destroyed everything, because I was naïve enough to believe in her, and I felt so…worthless,” she says, and Kara gathers her into her lap. “But you still stood by me, and you helped me piece myself back together.”

“You did the same for me, Lena,” Kara tells her. “And you have never been worthless.”

“Tell that to my mother,” Lena mutters, and Kara smiles at her sadly.

“There are days when I want to kill your mother,” she says, shaking her head. 

“Well, you and I have that in common. But let’s not talk about Lillian,” Lena urges, and they both laugh, Kara eagerly agreeing to put Lena’s mother aside. 

“Are you okay?” Kara asks, carefully smoothing Lena’s hair. “With…us?”

“Of course I am, Kara. But what about you? What about…Mon-El?”

Kara shakes her head. “He’s gone. And you’re here. And…truthfully, I never felt this comfortable, this much like myself with him. He was my first attempt at a real relationship, and…” She shakes her head. “Anyway, I’ve had to put that behind me.”

Lena wants to believe her, wants more than anything to be able to tell herself that Kara doesn’t blame her for forcing Mon-El off the planet. But still. She was the one who created the device. “You really don’t…blame me?” she asks quietly, though they’ve been over this.

“I pushed the button, Lena. Rhea was going to destroy the whole city. You gave me what I needed to stop her, but I made the decision. Okay? I could never, never blame you.” Kara’s voice is soft, but her words are strong, and Lena finally lets herself sink into the familiar warmth of her arms. 

“Is it too early to tell you I love you?” Lena asks, overwhelmed, and Kara laughs affectionately. 

“I love you, Lena Luthor,” she whispers, and kisses away the tears that inevitably fall.


End file.
